I was a senior in high school when I started to lose weight. I wasn’t even fat either, I just wanted to look thinner.
I started feeling a little better about myself, but never 100% confident.
Over the next few years, I went down to 110. I was 5’4, had long brown hair, a nice figure, wore makeup, yet I felt miserable.
I wore makeup to cover up. I wore it to feel better when I looked in the mirror. I wore it because I was afraid to show my true self. If I showed who I really was, I feared people wouldn’t like me. I never went out without my “mask.” I had to wear it.
I had to pump my eyelashes. I had to wear bright pink lipstick. I had to wear eyeshadow. I had to wear mascara.
When I graduated college, at my lowest weight, which was 108, I broke up with my boyfriend and my best friend and I spent the summer looking for boys.
I felt like hot shit.
But, at night, I was lonely. I had a great life, an awesome figure & the best support system, yet I was depressed. I felt as if I needed a man to make me happy. I needed a man to consistently compliment me on my appearance. I needed constant reassurance.
And, I was not happy despite looking stunning.
I would skip meals too. I ate terribly, and I felt like shit. I thought skipping meals would keep me at an acceptable “weight.”
I still thought I needed to lose weight.
I would go hungry too. Or, instead of eating a meal, I would eat chips & an apple & assume I was doing my body justice.
But, I was wrong.
Later on, I discovered I had an undiagnosed eating disorder. But, who doesn’t, right? Don’t we all? If we live in America & read magazines, most of us probably do.
And, it’s sad because it carried over into my 1st trimester of pregnancy. But, then, I reminded myself that I was pregnant & being stupid and snapped myself out of it.
It’s so disgusting that we all need to be skinny in order to fit in society. How about just being healthy?
I was under the impression that if you were skinny, you were happy. I mean, the magazines told me that! But, in the end, I wasn’t!!
So, please remember that just because some people are thin DOES NOT automatically mean they’re happy. We are all dealing with something behind closed doors.