a dash of hope

Celebrating One Year of My Son& Why I’m So Emotional

I had issues getting my daughter to latch in the hospital.

It fucking hurt. It hurt so bad that I cried because I couldn’t bear the pain and agony and would wince every single time I had to feed her, so sadly, I turned to formula. I cried because I literally felt like I failed. Failed as a mother, failed as a provider, & failed her when she needed me the most.

Why did it hurt so badly?

Well,

I discovered she had a lip and tongue tie and decided to get the procedure done to revise both of them. At the appointment, the ENT told me that I would have no issues with her lip and advised against it.

Fast forward, she could not latch properly, in turn I had to pump every 4 hours, I was miserable, I still at 4 months did not feel connected to her and developed clogged ducts a month straight. I later learned that she had THE WORST lip tie a therapist I booked an appointment with had ever seen and advised getting it done.

So, that’s why I struggled with BF? The ENT was wrong and was the reason my breastfeeding journey was cut short.

I was pissed. I was so irritated. I was hurt, I was angry, I was disappointed.

I continued to nurse her, but she’d always fall asleep at my boob, and in the 20 minutes she was out, I’d use that time to pump so when she woke up I’d give her MY milk instead of formula. I was constantly getting ahead of her in terms of pumping and making sure I had MY milk for her.

I was stressed about it constantly worrying if I had enough or not.
Constantly planning my schedule around her eating.
Not wanting to lay with her for too long because then I’d have to pump.
Constantly worrying if I’d have enough for her.

I knew I’d have to eventually supplement with formula. I thought my pump output was an indication of how much she was getting.

WRONG!

There are OVERPRODUCERS, and just enoughers. Whichever you are, your body is doing an amazing job feeding your baby.

______

I knew in my heart that I could no continue on with breastfeeding due to my mental health, so around 4 1/2 months I decided to wean. I was DEVESTATED to say the least considering I HATED formula with every fiber of my being.

In Jan 2020, I pumped for the last time.

So, when I was pregnant with my 2nd, breastfeeding was nerve-wracking and this time around, I knew I wanted to succeed.

When my SON (didn’t know the gender, btw) was born on Jan 23, 2022, I knew within 30 minutes of him being born, I’d have to feed him& I was scared shitless.

His latch was way less painful than my daughter, but still slightly painful.

I found out he had lip, tongue and cheek ties, so this time around, we saw the correct people who revised it quickly and I kept seeing a lactation consultant until I felt confident.

Sure, I struggled, but it was different.

I kept with it. I followed his lead, I rarely used bottles and he hated pacifiers. He also did NOT take to bottles anyway.

This time around,

I had a freebirth, drank placenta smoothies, recovered quickly, connected with him instantly, co-slept from day one, nursed all day/night, let him nap on me, tended to his every cry, carried him, got him adjusted regularly, and made sure I ate a well-balanced meal.

FYI > I literally had NO issues with my supply. This boy was OBSESSED with nursing and boobs.

It makes me emotional thinking about that. The first time around I thought I didn’t have enough when in fact I did, I just didn’t have the proper support/the right people in my corner. And, gosh, it makes me cry sometimes that I never had the bond I have with my daughter because it was stripped from me.

I remember saying that I mostly wanted to pump the first time around because nursing freaked me out. I remember saying that I wanted to nurse for at least 6 months and then switch to formula.

That would NOT have been the case with my son though considering he took to nursing right away.

____

I feel emotional today because around this time last year, I was preparing to give birth, cuddle with my newborn, learn how to balance 2 kids, nurse again, and simply figure out my life with 2.

Now, he’s almost a year old and I feel all types of sadness > sad he’s no longer my squishy baby, sad he’s almost walking, sad he’s growing up, sad he’s not so little anymore, sad that a year has gone by and I don’t feel like I embraced it at times.

He’s also my last baby, so I’m still trying to soak it all in while he’s this young.

To celebrate my one-year mark, I’ve scheduled a breastfeeding photoshoot with a local photographer. I’ve never done anything like this before, but I’m so proud of myself.

I’m proud for never giving up.
I’m proud for tuning out all the noise.
I’m proud for listening to my mom intuition.
I’m proud for setting boundaries.

Healing from People Pleasing

I said a joke to a family member the other day on the phone and their response was to hand the phone to someone else. Instead of talking about why it triggered them.

I apologized because obviously I didn’t mean to hurt their feelings, but the apology meant nothing and this individual retorted by screaming into the phone that they no longer wanted to talk to me.

End of conversation.

As a people pleaser, my first feeling was guilt. “Shit, I shouldn’t have said that.” Then, the sinking feeling in my stomach that ruined the next 15 minutes…. until I reached out to someone and vented.

She reminded me that I am NOT responsible for how people handle situations/not responsible for their behavior, it’s their responsibility. An apology is needed, but after that, there’s nothing else you can do.

You can’t fix it simply because it already happened. Feeling guilty or ruining your day is not the answer.

You need to pick yourself up and move on. Let the person bask in their feelings while you try to deal with yours.

I am working on my people pleasing behavior. It is IMPOSSIBLE to please everyone around you. No matter what decision you make, someone will take issues with it. And, do you know what? That’s on them. That’s not on you.

So, I’ve learned spending your life trying to make everyone else comfortable is bullshit.
Whose life are you living anyway if that’s your purpose?
When are you going to be in control?
When are you going to take the wheel and finally drive?

All of my life, I have let others make decisions for me, dictate what they want me to do, tell me that the decision I’m making is wrong, and tell me maybe I should re-think a situation.

But, now that I’ve identified that I didn’t want confrontation, I wanted the person to like me, I wanted to comply, follow the rules, not ask questions, I’m working on ending that behavior.

It hasn’t been an easy journey for me as I’ve always sought other people’s opinions and needed their approval in order to do something.

Now is the time to stop continuing on that path and make decisions based on what I want.

What do I want in life?
What do I need?
How do I want to live my life?

If you’re dealing with the same patterns, just know you’re never alone.

When this shit happens, you don’t give up, you fight back.

I’ve been letting myself eat what my body tells me simply because I don’t want to restrict myself, but now I’m taking it too far.

Now, I’m starting to get impatient, anger & frustrated way too easily. On top of that, I feel the need to constantly be on my phone.

I feel bloated and irritable.

I’ve been less restrictive because surprise, I’m pregnant.

I also have an undiagnosed eating disorder and I’m trying not to let it take over, but now that I’ve identified that I’m eating too many salty snacks, it’s starting to kick me. It’s kicking me wear it hurts by telling me I’m gaining too much weight, I’m fat, I’m ugly, all that negative talk.

I’m pushing it away, but somehow it keeps building back up.

So, do you know what I do in a situation like this?

I get back up & fight. I get back up, stare it in the face & tell my inner thoughts how wrong they are.

I stop eating those types of foods & focus on foods that nourish my body.

You see, when this shit happens, you don’t give up, you fight back.

You change your ways.

It’s not the end, it’s only the beginning.

You need to know how to fight this beast & once you do, you’ll feel like you conquered the fucking world.

You’ll feel like you won instead of letting it win.

You’ll feel mighty & strong.

You can do this. You can win.

You don’t have to do it alone. We can walk hand & hand – side by side & do it as a team because it’s not easy.

It’s not always easy to tune out those nasty thoughts.

I’m here to remind you that you’re better than that.

In Order To Heal, I Need To Deal With This Head-on

I was a follower, never a leader.

I had low self-esteem, low self-worth. I felt ugly. I felt fat. I was miserable.

In 5th grade, I met this girl who became my best friend throughout middle school. PROBLEM? I listened to her. If she told me to JUMP, I’d ask how high. If she wanted me to do something for her, I would. If she wanted to break the rules, I was ready to do so.

I wanted to fit in.

I wanted her and others to like me, so I did what they told me to do.

In 7th grade, my so-called BFF turned on me and I let it happen. She started talking shit about me behind my back. She started to influence others to do the same and they followed along like little puppy dogs.

In 8th grade, it got worse. I remember passing her in the hall with a shirt that said, “cute” on it and she walked by laughing and saying, “nope.” I never wore that shirt ever again. That same year, she convinced our circle of friends to ignore me as we ate lunch together. They all talked amongst themselves leaving me out of the conversation and again, I let it happen. I never once stood up for myself.

I remember thinking that I wanted to, but I let fear get the best of me.

In high school, I let her dictate every move I made. We didn’t talk after middle school, but I did everything in my power to avoid her and hoped she wasn’t in ANY of my classes. Since she lived in the same neighborhood as me, I made it appoint to constantly miss the bus just so I didn’t have to face her. I know that wasn’t fair to my parents, who then had to drive me, but that was the only thing I could think of doing. Eventually, another bus added in a route near my house, so I started taking that bus instead. I felt like I could breathe again.

Though I dodged her being on the same bus as me, the next thing I had to worry about was whether or not she’d be in any of my classes.

Every year on the first day of school, I’d dread walking into class because I could not bear seeing the sight of her.

I got lucky….. until 11th grade when she was in my history class.

I told myself I was fine with it for the first few days, but really, I felt ANXIOUS, STRESSED and couldn’t stop sweating. I had to switch classes or else I was going to lose it.

All of the other 11th grade history classes were full, so instead, the only alternative was to take 12th grade history class and then the following year, I’d take 11th grade history class.

NOW, hold up! I let this girl ruin my entire schedule. I let her ruin my life. I let her get the best of me. Every time I’d see her, the nervous feeling would come over me and I wouldn’t be able to shake it off.

After high school, I only saw her once more. She came into my line at the grocery store I worked at and I hardly looked at her.

So, there you have it folks!

Since childhood, I have been a people pleaser and until recently, I hadn’t thought how much I needed to heal from the hurt, bullying and dictatorship I witnessed as a 13-year old.

I’m at a point in my life where I am NO LONGER pleasing other people. I am so done with that behavior. If you don’t like me or the things I talk about, feel free to move on. I never dealt with my emotions or feelings back then. Instead, I ran away scared and didn’t want to deal with anything head on, but now I’m ready to do so.

I need to heal myself before I work with others.

I’m going to use the following in order to heal –

meditation
free writing
sitting with my thoughts, feelings and emotions (no matter how painful they are)
processing what has happened to me by writing it down

We all need to heal from something. I’m curious to hear YOUR story now that you’ve heard mine.

Being thin does not always equal happiness

I was a senior in high school when I started to lose weight. I wasn’t even fat either, I just wanted to look thinner.

I started feeling a little better about myself, but never 100% confident.

Over the next few years, I went down to 110. I was 5’4, had long brown hair, a nice figure, wore makeup, yet I felt miserable.

I wore makeup to cover up. I wore it to feel better when I looked in the mirror. I wore it because I was afraid to show my true self. If I showed who I really was, I feared people wouldn’t like me. I never went out without my “mask.” I had to wear it.

I had to pump my eyelashes. I had to wear bright pink lipstick. I had to wear eyeshadow. I had to wear mascara.

When I graduated college, at my lowest weight, which was 108, I broke up with my boyfriend and my best friend and I spent the summer looking for boys.

I felt like hot shit.

But, at night, I was lonely. I had a great life, an awesome figure & the best support system, yet I was depressed. I felt as if I needed a man to make me happy. I needed a man to consistently compliment me on my appearance. I needed constant reassurance.

And, I was not happy despite looking stunning.

I would skip meals too. I ate terribly, and I felt like shit. I thought skipping meals would keep me at an acceptable “weight.”

I still thought I needed to lose weight.

I would go hungry too. Or, instead of eating a meal, I would eat chips & an apple & assume I was doing my body justice.

But, I was wrong.

Later on, I discovered I had an undiagnosed eating disorder. But, who doesn’t, right? Don’t we all? If we live in America & read magazines, most of us probably do.

And, it’s sad because it carried over into my 1st trimester of pregnancy. But, then, I reminded myself that I was pregnant & being stupid and snapped myself out of it.

It’s so disgusting that we all need to be skinny in order to fit in society. How about just being healthy?

I was under the impression that if you were skinny, you were happy. I mean, the magazines told me that! But, in the end, I wasn’t!!

So, please remember that just because some people are thin DOES NOT automatically mean they’re happy. We are all dealing with something behind closed doors.

Do you think taking time for yourself matters?

I didn’t know how much I needed self-care until I fell out of a routine.

I was sitting in my room rocking my daughter to sleep.

For the past few months, she’s been having a hard time sleeping. It’s been rough putting her down for naps and for bed due to her digestive issues, etc.

So, while I was rocking her, I was looking at the time and thinking how BADLY I needed peace and quiet. I was getting annoyed and wanted her to just fall asleep so I could have that time. And, that’s when I started to question why I was so stressed.

I was stressed because we’ve been on vacation for the past few days and so, I haven’t had ANY time for myself.

Has this happened to you too?

Do you feel like you take time for self-care? It doesn’t have to be about getting your nails done or anything fancy like everyone thinks! It can be as simple as drinking your coffee in peace. It can be about eating your favorite food. It can be about writing or reading.

Self-care is all about nourishing your mind, body & spirit. It’s about dedicating time for YOU.

That could mean doing 1 thing every day during your child’s naptime that brings you joy. Or, planning a date night with yourself or your significant other. If you find yourself feeling less stressed and refreshed afterward, that means it was a success!

But, most of us are NOT thinking about self-care. We are too busy. We are all too busy to carve out time. We are always on the go and thinking about our next project. We are too afraid to sit with ourselves and think. We don’t want to be alone because that means releasing our feelings and we are too scared to do that.

It’s healthy though!

Why don’t you think taking time for yourself matters?

Why don’t you feel as though you deserve it?

We are all stuck. We are either in a dead-end job suffering in silence or just barely getting by. Trust me, there’s more out there for you. You are worth so much more than you think.

It’s just mind-boggling that when I ask people if they take time for themselves most of them say NO. I get that if you’re a single parent, there really is no break, but if you have family or friends, why not ask them to watch your kiddos for a bit while you go out? It doesn’t have to cost you money, so please don’t use that as an excuse!

You could use that time to: take a nap, go for a run, go for a walk, go for a hike.

The possibilities are endless!

If you are ready to figure out how to love yourself and a self-care routine, I’m your gal!

What the heck is Bisphenol A (BPA)?!

do you know what Bisphenol A stands for? do you know what it is? you’ll find it abbreviated as BPA in canned goods, plastic containers, baby bottles, baby pacifiers, sippy cups, cash register receipts, as well as household products.

BPA is a chemical that’s used to make plastics and resins.

you might be wondering – then why the heck is in the food we consume? it’s meant to extend shelf life. the next question you might ask is, how bad is it if we ingest it?

well ….. in 2010, Canada declared BPA a toxic substance. so, you would think the USA would ban it, right? Nope!

and, what’s unfortunate is studies show there are traces of this chemical in 90% of our bodies.

BPA has been know to link to:

cancer
infertility
diabetes
obesity
heart disease
asthma
ADD

again, this is not something that we think about. we are all just trying to feed our families & get by, right? we should not have to worry that what we’re putting in our bodies could possibly kill us.

there are so many fruits & veggies that we buy on a daily basis that are canned & inexpensive. most of us are on a budget and so, opting for canned goods is our best option.

sigh.

if you’re looking to reduce your exposure to BPA, I suggest doing the following:

✅ try to buy fresh fruits & veggies from the farmers market, directly from a farm, or even frozen!

✅ try to buy canned beans in a tetra pack at the grocery store

✅ try to avoid plastic bags & plastic jars

even small traces of BPA are known to cause problems, so trying to limit your exposure is the BEST thing you can do for you + your family!

Do you know what HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP is?!

do you know what high-fructose corn syrup is?!

It’s a cheap chemical sweetener derived from corn syrup that’s found in processed food. Companies often put in their products, which causes you to consume more calories than you actually need.

You’ll find it in:

cereal
bread
salad dressing
ice cream
crackers
pasta sauce
yogurt
jelly
jam
condiments
soda

It’s very addictive & poses health concerns.

It’s often linked to:

Obesity

Diabetes

Heart disease

High blood pressure

companies are getting smarter about labeling it as “fructose,” so don’t be fooled by the label “no high fructose corn syrup.”

always always read the ingredient list! I know sugar is unavoidable. I just want you to choose BETTER sugar options.

INSTEAD choose the following (preferably organic)::

organic coconut sugar

organic pure cane sugar

organic dates

organic raw honey

organic maple syrup

What Characteristics Do You Wish To Change About Yourself?

So many thoughts circling around in my head. It’s been so long since I’ve had time to think & process my healing journey.

It’s time to re-evaluate my place in this world because I have some personal items to work on.

There are aspects of myself that I feel are ugly. If my husband who I am around practically 24/7 says all I do is complain, that means I have a serious problem. I need to fix that because the last thing I want to do is have my daughter start following in my footsteps.

There are so many questions that I continue to ask myself such as – where did this behavior stem from? How long have I been this way? Why has it taken so long for me to address? Have I always been this way?

This is what several people are not able to do on their own simply because we’re not taught HOW TO. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just not simply something that is brought up in school.

What I’m referring to is how to re-evaluate their behavior. When someone calls you out on it, you probably feel embarrassed, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to change it, address it. You may brush it off and not ever think about it until someone else brings it to your attention. It may take a lifetime to address because that’s not something that matters.

Making money, getting through the day, making food, establishing relationships, and connecting with family members is on your forefront. Not asking yourself what the biggest fears are or why you’re so codependent.

I get it.

But, at some point, you WILL have to think about these characteristics of yourself because you might not like the person you’ve become. Maybe you’re at that point, but have noooo clue where to start.

Well, that’s where I come in.

I’m here to call you out. I’m here to make you think. I’m here to change your perspective and how you view something simply by asking questions.

So, this is where I’d like to begin.

I want you to THINK about the aspects of yourself that you’d like to change.

What is it about yourself that you no longer favor?

Why?

Think about how you became this way. Something along the way made you the way you are & I’m going to help you figure it out.

I want you to think long & hard. I want you to write it down. I want you to digest it.

After you’ve figured it out, write down the characteristics & find out what in your life could have made you this way. It’s not an easy exercise, but it’s a great start to becoming the person you want to be!

Do You Ever Have “Those Days” Where…..?

I got mad at her for not napping.

I got mad at her for not sitting her butt down & eating.

I got mad at her for crying as I cooked dinner.

I got mad at her because I needed a fucking minute to breath & she was letting me.

I am human, just like you.

I lost my temper. I felt the anger building up inside, but couldn’t push it away. I needed a break. I needed time to “re-group.” I needed time to collect my thoughts. To write them down. To process them. To throw them away.

I was pissed at myself for getting to that point. The guilt set in for losing my cool. But, the beauty about children is they forgive.

They do forgive, but they don’t forget.

I don’t want these “moments” in which I lost it to be a bad memory of hers. I don’t want to fuck her up psychologically. I don’t want to be the reason she’s in therapy in the future because mommy couldn’t “keep it together.”

Most of us don’t think that way, but it’s reality. The scary truth is every behavior you do, they are learning, studying and may exhibit it in the future or right now. They are sponges. They are absorbing our every move and if we move incorrectly, that’s it.

We as a society HAVE to do better. We have to teach our children not to be racist, that m@sks are NOT normal, not to feel like they can’t be themselves (re being cen$0red), to be kind, gentle and confident beings who believe in themselves.

I am VERY patient with my daughter, but when I so desperately need alone time and the nap ain’t happening, I get frustrated. But, I need to learn how to control my emotions & calm the fuck down because I always feel guilty afterwards.

Do you ever have “those” days, “those” moments and feel bad afterwards? Tell me what you do when you’re feeling guilty for getting mad at your kiddos?