Nothing Was Enough, Until This Happened....

I was a miserable kid.

My mom and aunt both told me that and also, I’ve seen it with my own eyes because I watch home movies and I see myself pouting. In one home video, while we were having a family party, I laid on the front lawn refusing to socialize. I often got into arguments with my aunt, who admitted years later that we never got along because I always acted like a bitch. And, I’m glad she was honest with me because looking back, I was.

To add to my unhappiness, which I don’t understand what stemmed from because I never had any tragic experiences or any negatives events happen as a child, I never felt like anything was enough. I had supportive parents, brothers who I got along with, a roof over my head, food on the table, my own room, etc. Point being I didn’t have parents who neglected me or went to a school full of bullies, so I figured it was time for me to dig deep into my past.

I started looking at the jobs I had and began to re-evaluate what happened at each job that made me dislike them. Honestly, it wasn’t really the job itself, but rather, the boss I had that made it miserable for me to drive to the office every day.

I was either micromanaged or treated like I was dumb. Just when I’d think I was getting somewhere with either my job or my freelancing, something would happen and bring me back down. I was very easily upset and the downward spiral would start where I was too hard on myself. I would begin to ridicule my body, want to leave a job and so on and so forth.

I never felt like I could find a job that I genuinely enjoyed. And, I think that was a sign that all the jobs I had were just a stepping stone, not what I would be doing for the rest of my life.

So, I spent years focusing on what I didn’t have instead of what I do have.

I focused on all the negative things happening in my life and often felt compelled to say, “poor me.” Guess what though? My life was NOT bad enough to say, “poor me” because I was never homeless, I always had food to eat, I always had money coming in, I’ve always had a supportive family and then, in 2013, I met my now-husband, who loves me for who I am, so how dare I say “POOR ME?!” How dare I lump myself into that category and feel “sorry” for myself.

I wasted all this time complaining when I could have been using that energy to focus on more important things. I should have spent that time figuring out why I felt like nothing was ever enough and truly searching for my happiness.

Happiness does NOT come from money or fame or being thin. It comes from appreciating what you have and focusing on what you do have.

Know when my perception changed? On Thursday night I watched a lecture from Geneen Roth, who said she had all the money in the world, and yet, she still complained. She wanted more and never felt like it was enough until she lost all her savings and something inside of her changed. It clicked.

I sat in front of my computer in awe.

Damn, I said to myself. That’s me. My husband said to me the other day, “is there ever a day where you don’t complain about something?” Ouch. It’s true though.

Geneen experienced the same thing with her husband, who asked her if she was feeling okay after not complaining for a few days straight. So, that was my turning point.

So, when YOU feel like nothing is enough, this is what you can do:

1) Write down everything you DO have. Make a list of what you feel grateful for. Review the list daily and remind yourself not to focus on the negative.

2) Go for a walk. Use this time to reflect and ask yourself why you’re feeling this way.

3) Read a book. There are so many books out there such as Geneen Roth’s “Lost and Found: One Woman's Story of Losing Her Money and Finding Her Life.”

Why Watching My Wedding Video Made Me Feel Emotional

I am by no means an emotional person whatsoever - unless its a few days before my time of the month.

But, sometimes when I feel really overwhelmed or I have a realty check, it might bring on the tears. Ugh. I hate crying - especially in front of anyone.

A few months ago, we wanted to try and salvage our horrible wedding video, so we contacted a local videographer, who was able to download our wedding tapes onto a hard drive. So, tonight, I watched it and I found that there were many parts that were NOT included in the film that should have been. 

When we were slow dancing to our first song as a married couple, it brought me back to that day. It brought me back to that time in my life where I was so confused, overwhelmed and filled with sadness.  I would go back to that day in a heartbeat, but not around that time in my life.

Tonight, in the wedding video, I watched as Brett looked lovingly into my eyes, held me tightly as we slow-danced, pushed the hair out of my face and helped me put my shoes back on.  These moments were not in the original footage we were given.

This made me feel emotional because sometimes I take him for granted. Sometimes I don't appreciate the little things he does for me. I don't always cherish our time together and it's often spent yelling at him for an unknown reason. But, I'm human. We forget to appreciate what's in front of us because we're so busy wondering about everything else we have to do instead of concentrating on our loved ones. 

Let's be honest, marriage is hard, So hard. But.....you just have to learn how to make it work. You have to put forth the time and effort. But, it's definitely doable if you think it's worth it. 

Going back to my wedding day also reminded me how much I love my husband and why I fell in love with him in the first place. I love him because he supports me and loves me for who I am. He's sitting right across from me looking at me with his pretty brown eyes and it's making me melt. 

I just need to go back and watch it to remind myself not to spend so much time picking him apart when he's a great guy and a great husband. And, if you do the same, try to remind yourself why you fell for him and how much you appreciate what he does for you.

Try it! I dare you....