I Have No Family Here, But I'm Not Alone!

When my daughter was born, my parents came for a week.

I knew when they left, I would be devastated because I would no longer have the help I needed. My husband has his own business, so he makes his own hours, which is good and bad. He was working every day the first week we brought her home because he knew my parents would be around to help me with stuff around the house and my daughter.

You see, I was never a baby person, so I stepped into this role with sort of a blind eye. While pregnant, I googled and learned a ton, but not enough to prepare me fully for what was ahead.

Shit, guys, I’m not going to sugarcoat it, when my parents left, I sat in the bathroom and cried for 10 solid minutes. My hormones were (and still are) raging, so I was feeling all kinds of different emotions and I still am! But, I knew once they left, I would be a mess.

Despite being sad, I picked my sorry ass off the ground and pressed on because 1) I wanted to move here, so there was always a possibility that I would have kids and not have family around 2) I needed to learn. My whole life has been spent relying on my parents and I needed to break that cycle. I needed to do this on my own and feel confident in my abilities as a mother.

Was I scared? Hell yeah, but I’m not the only person who doesn’t have family around. I’m not the only person who doesn’t know much about babies. I’m not the only person who is learning because my daughter is learning just the same.

So, making it seem like I’m alone is ridiculous because I do have a group of moms that I reach out to for questions. It could be worse! I could have absolutely NO ONE to go to or seek help from, so I need to stop being so damn negative, which is what I’ve been telling myself. My lack of confidence is showing and I must say it’s quite ugly. No one WANTS to hear you talk about the same damn insecurities over and over again. No one WANTS to hear you pose the same question over and over again. This is something that’s been happening to me lately.

Sure, I can talk about my lack of experience and being transparent about how I’m feeling, but I also need to remember to put a positive spin on it because it could be SO MUCH WORSE.

So, if you have no family around and are feeling vulnerable, I’m here to say you’re NOT alone! You can even reach out to me if you’d like because I get it!

2 Days Before Due Date & Shit Just Got Real

Holy shit.

I am so close to my due date that I can taste it.

And, it’s finally hitting me that it will no longer be my husband and I. I have to admit that it does make me a tad sad, but I’m also really excited that the next chapter in our lives is happening (very soon).

I’m disappointed that this weekend I only felt Braxton Hicks (pretty intensely). I didn’t picture myself going into labor at work, but it’s looking like that might happen, unless I’m lucky enough to go into labor on July 4th, which I have off for.

I have to admit. my pregnancy has gone pretty smoothly and I feel really lucky that I never got dangerously sick or vomitted my brains out. I mean, I might not be so lucky the next time around,but for the first one, it hasn’t been bad. And, I’m saying that BEFORE I go into labor, so I might be changing my mind.

My birth plan is to labor in the tub, see how long I can take the pain and if I’m unable to handle it., I’m getting an epidural. I know every woman’s pain and pain intolerance is different, but that’s what I want. If I could go all natural, that would be fantastic, but I’m also being realistic.

I mean, I spent 20 minutes today watching unmedicated tub births and I have to say that it was painful to watch. Those women are freaking warriors and should be commended for not using ANY medication for birth. Like, they’re strong women and I would love to follow their lead, but let’s see how it goes.

When I was younger, I always wondered how I’d look pregnant or whether I’d be able to get pregnant or the gender of my child. And, I’m happy to report that I’m glad to be having a girl first because I get to dress her up, like my mom did with me and have mommy-daughter dates. What I’m not looking forward to are the teenage years, but that’s so far away that there’s no use thinking about it.

What will she look like?

Will she take more after her daddy or mommy personality-wise?

What will she want to be when she grows up?

All these questions have surfaced in the last 24 hours as I approach my due date. Gosh, it’s been a LONG ASS 9 MONTHS! Seriously, I’ve felt like I’ve been pregnant FOREVER. Dramatic? Duh, but it’s true!

I am NOT looking forward to the going-into-labor part because it looks painful and scary AF, but obviously, we have to get her out of my belly and bring her into this world.

I just feel like my husband and I have been talking about the same damn things these past few days.

When will she come? Do we have everything ready? How are you feeling? Are you having any contractions? I want her now.

What’s your prediction? When do you think she’ll come? What was your birth experience like? What was your birth plan?

Dear Future Daughter

Dear Future Daughter:

I'm writing to you before I find out if I can have children, before I'm engaged, and before I'm ready to have children. There's so much I want you to know about this world, your daddy and what kind of man we want you to be with. I could be jumping the gun a little bit here with your daddy, but he's told me asking my hand in marriage is just a few months away. And, I'm not planning or wishing for it to come true. Instead, I'm taking it day-by-day and enjoying my time with him.

I'm going to tell you something about your daddy. He's a special guy who will do anything and everything for his little girl. He'll always protect you and love you like he loves his mommy. Your daddy will take spending time with you very seriously because he'll love you to pieces and want to make memories.

Once the time comes, he'll teach you that there are good men in this world and will be honest with you about the men who just want to sleep with you. He'll want to know who is spending time with his little girl. And, I know for a fact if this man breaks your heart, your daddy will beat the crap out of him. He'll feel devastated to see his little girl hurting and so, he'll do everything in his power to cheer you up.

I know what kind of guy he is and what kind of father he'll be because we have a dog--whom you'll grow to love--who he plays, cuddles and takes on long walks. He cherishes the moments he spends with our pooch just like he'll do with you.

He was raised to be respectful and courteous to women and that's why I love him so much. He goes out of his way to do things for me and even puts me first. You will witness these acts of kindness by your daddy when you're old enough to understand. You will learn who a good man is by watching your daddy love and care for me when I'm in pain. You'll watch your daddy be my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my co-pilot and my partner for life.

Even though he's a rather anti-social person and avoids chaotic situations, he'll never pass up an opportunity to go somewhere with you or our family.

Society can be mean sometimes. I'm so sorry if you're bullied in school. Daddy and I will teach you how to be a strong woman who doesn't care what other people think of you. We'll teach you to have a thick skin and defend yourself when people are cruel and rude to you. You will le

Surprising my mom for Mother's Day + her birthday

A few months ago, I saw a photo of my mother and I standing  in front of her van and I began to tear up. Now, again, I'm not an emotional person, but of course I miss my family. So.... I decided to fly home for my mom's birthday and mother's day.

The only ones who knew were my brothers and their significant others. My dad nor anyone else knew I was coming.

My younger brother + his girlfriend picked me up at the Trenton airport this past Friday and the plan was to get dinner at their place and then head over to my parents house. When the time came, I was quite nervous because I hate surprises. I asked my brother's gf to get it on film and you can watch it for yourself below. 

My mother, on the other hand, is an emotional person, so naturally when she saw me, she cried. My dad told me he had a feeling I was coming home, but they both just shrugged it off.

I was really looking forward to meeting their dog, Fido, who ran up to me as soon as he saw me. 

We spent the weekend catching up, eating dinner together, playing video games, shopping + getting our nails done.  

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It was nice to spend time with my family. But, the north is just too darn expensive and there's not much to do. Also, we wanted to take a risk and move somewhere new. That sort of experience tests your relationship. It makes your relationship stronger and you tend to lean on your partner a bit more.

I got cozy with my parents dog because I missed my two doggies. We cuddled + spent plenty of time together.

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Yesterday, was Mother's Day and my family came over to celebrate. We made eggplant parm + played a game. Honestly, we could have done more activities, but it's not always about doing ACTIVITIES, sometimes just being together is much more enjoyable. 

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The worst part about visiting is leaving. I always end up feeling empty and sad because not knowing the next time I'll see my family upsets me, but I chose this, so I need to be able to handle it.  It hurts though because I don't get to see them every day, but at the same time, I love Greenville and I love all the possibilities it has to offer.. So, even though I get rather sad when I leave my family, I'm happy to come back.

Until next time, PA.