Talking About My Expectations As A Mother

As soon as I got pregnant, I knew I wanted to raise our child organically! I wanted her to start her first few months out with just breastmilk. I was skeptical about nursing her directly from my boob, so I figured I could just pump and I’d be good to go! Boy were my expectations HIGH!

There’s no way I’m not going to be able to breastfeed because of the size of my boobs, I kept telling my husband over and over again.

But, then, she was born with a lip and tongue tie and my dreams of just breastfeeding were SHATTERED. Not only did I have to resort to formula, I used Similiac, which to me has so many questionable ingredients in it. But, I knew I needed to feed my baby.

In the hospital. everytime she would latch, it was PAINFUL. I mean, she left white dots on my nipples, but I just dealt with the pain because I thought maybe it’s supposed to feel this way. But, I also had a feeling I could be wrong. I was not able to deal with the pain, so unfortunately, I asked for formula.

The next morning in the hospital, tears streamed down my face as I thought of the formula we were giving her. I hate crying in front of anyone, so I turned my head so my husband wouldn’t see. I just felt like an unfit mother who couldn’t feed her baby. Maybe I should have continued even though it was painful. In my heart, I knew I was making the right decision because I could have really damaged my nipples.

The following Monday, we scheduled an appointment to have her tongue tie removed. In the meantime, I was too scared to re-latch her, so we went to the store and bought her organic formula. I knew that if she wasn’t able to drink my milk, she was at least getting something organic. But, that didn’t work out because she seemed to get extra fussy when she was given that formula.

Fuck.

So, we switched back to Similac and I was also pumping, but not much. It was honestly a disaster in the beginning because my expectations were SO HIGH. I was not following my original plan and I was devastated. I was feeling so many different emotions and then, my parents left. I felt defeated and like I was FAILING her.

She’d be whaling and I’d try to comfort her with tears streaming down my face. WTF? I thought this was supposed to be easy, I said to myself.

After meeting with the lactation consultant, she made me feel better by helping re-latch her with a nipple shield. She said she wanted to start off with it and then gradually wean off of it.

But, my supply was STILL NOT up to par and my daughter was so fussy, so again, I had to continue using formula.

I was so frustrated. Every time after she’d eat, it took SO LONG to calm her down. She would squirm and go completely crazy! As a mom, I knew something was wrong. Sure, I’ve never taken care of a baby before, but I also knew it wasn’t normal. She could NOT be that fussy. She’s never been happy either, so I scheduled another appointment.

Acid reflux.

I had a feeling she had it, but I guess the doctor wanted to make sure before putting her on medicine. And, another thing we had to resort to was gas relief drops. After reading that ingredient list, I cringed again, but I also knew that I had to do what’s best for her and this shit hopefully wouldn’t stay in her system forever.

So, now we have her on Zantac for babies.

And, I thought she’d be flawless. I didn’t see ANY of this stuff coming. Here my husband and I are (never taken care of a baby) and we have a complicated child. I have to say that as frustrating as it’s been, we’ve learned so much! And, I would never trade her because I love her! I sit and stare at her in awe of how beautiful she is!

I made her! She grew inside of her and I cannot believe I birthed a 7-pound baby. Holy shit!

I’m proud of myself and how far I’ve come since we took her home from the hospital.

There’s still so much to learn, but I’m getting there day by day. If you;d like to chat about your journey as a new mom or motherhood in general, let’s chat! I’m here for you.