The Day I Realized I Had Become "The Nagging Wife"

Let me be real with you on this topic. In my blog, I plan on being transparent, truthful and authentic, so this is something couples rarely talk about, so I figured I’d shed some light.

It was on a Saturday morning when I realized I’d somehow become “the nagging wife.”

“Do you really have to eat that whole bagel?” I asked my husband. “Carbs are the enemy.” He shrugged it off as I proceeded to continuously ask him the same question which lead to him ignoring me. Unfortunately, this sort of situation is a common occurrence.

About a year into dating, I began nagging him about his eating habits. He’s a binge eater and sometimes eats when he’s not hungry, which in my opinion isn’t healthy. Me on the other hand who is overly obsessive about my weight and stomach only eats when I’m hungry, which is the norm. But, still, the person who is self-conscious about her own weight is telling her husband what to do when it comes to eating.

“I’m a much bigger person than you, Hope and need to consume more calories. I can’t eat pea-sized meals like you,” he said. And, you know what? He’s right. It seems I’ve projected my body issues onto him. It seems I’ve become the woman who is pushy and controlling.

In the last year, I’d say I've become “that” wife. The type of wife who pouts if he doesn’t give me enough attention, the wife who gets pissed off if he watches football every Sunday for a few hours, the type of woman who tells their husband what he can and cannot eat. Ew. I’ve always told myself I would never ever act like that because it’s appalling.

Every time I start to nag my husband about this and that, I need to remember that it’s really annoying and not helpful. There are other ways to get my point across and nagging is definitely not the route to go.

On that Saturday, as we drove in the car, all I could think about was hopping out due to embarrassment. I finally listened to myself and sounded really immature. I was always the cool and laid-back girl who let situations roll off her shoulders, so why have I turned into a control freak?

Going forward, when I start to become “that wife,” I need to step back, and just let It go.  I am not going to be in control of every situation and monitoring his eating is only hurting our relationship. The more I push, the more he’ll start to distance himself.

If you’re in this type of situation, here are some key aspects to keep in mind.

1) Being a controlling wife is annoying. Need I elaborate?

2) If he doesn’t tell you what you can and cannot eat, then why do the same for him?

3) Stop projecting your self-conscious body issues onto him and deal with them YOURSELF. Harsh, but true!

4) When you feel yourself in a nagging mood, do something to distract yourself so you don’t go down that path.

Have you ever gone through a similar situation? If so, how’d you handle it?

Let’s chat : therealwayshopegvl@gmail.com

#MillennialMarriage

Being married is hard.

You don't think about how tough it really is - until you tie the knot. One day you love him and then the next day you want to kill him. At the same time, between the hate and love sessions, screaming matches and plenty of arguments, love is beautiful. The fact that you found someone you love with all your heart - despite all their flaws - is simply incredible.

If you factor in student loans, trying to figure out who you are and your career, attempting to get pregnant, learning how to be an adult and possibly buying a house, it can get quite sticky. 

A few months ago, we finally paid off our student loans, and even though that was a huge sigh of relief, I still feel like we're in for more obstacles. Him and I have constantly run into hardships - like so many people our age. It's not easy being this age and even though next year I'll be 30, I still feel like I'm figuring out who I am. It has been a long and grueling process.

On top of that, I feel like I'm dragging my husband along for the ride and that's simply unfair. One day it's "I love this" and then the next day, I change my mind. And, I get his hesitation because I'd feel the same way if the roles were reversed. But, I think I finally figured it out! I feel like I finally hit the nail on the head. 

"I'll see it when I believe it," he says. Again, that's fair to say. Whatever I do effects him and vice versa. We're a team, which is something I forget sometimes. Instead of consulting with him, I usually just do my own thing. It's not like I HAVE to ask for permission, but keeping him in mind is something I don't always remember. 

For instance, I booked a trip back home to surprise my mom for her birthday and one day I casually told him I bought a plane ticket and asked if he could drive me to the airport. In a way I guess it's selfish, but thankfully I have a husband who is easy going. Of course he wants to know where I am and what I'm doing, but it's not like other couples who may need to ask for permission. 

To me, marriage is about two people who love each other learning how to work together and not drive each other crazy! 

In November, we will celebrate our 2nd year of marriage and I still feel like I'm getting to know my husband. I still feel like there is plenty more to come and we'll never stop learning about each other.

In general, I feel like you never stop retaining information. And, life is a journey and some days don't always the way we'd like them to go. 

Being an adult is hard some days and it's not easy getting up in the morning and going to work, but we're now grown-ups and we have responsibilities. We have bills to pay (ew) and we can't always lounge around like we'd like because life is not that simple. We need to put on our big girl panties and go out into the real world.

When it comes to millennials, you already know we're labeled as "lazy" and "entitled," but many of us actually working our butts off to get ahead in life and still get the short end of the straw..

My husband and I are prime examples. We went to college, pushed ourselves and are anything but lazy. And, yet, we're doing the best we can do and it's still not good enough for society. So... if you're a #millennialcouple and you pour your heart and soul into EVERYTHING you do, screw society! Just focus on your marriage and stop caring what everyone else thinks. Marriage is hard enough, so don't overcomplicate it by reading into the millennia labels.

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The Truth about Marriage

Last week, my husband and I got into a petty fight. Was it worth ruining my Saturday to fight about something so trivial? 

Nope.

But, it happened and it will probably happen again. That's marriage though. Day by day, you learn what triggers your significant other and if you push too many buttons, that's it! It will turn into a full-blown argument and sometimes your plans will get ruined. 

Honestly, what I've learned about marriage and relationships in general is they are give and take, they're about sacrifice and at the end of the day, if you truly love your partner, you'll take their bullshit for better or worse. 

I'm not a therapist and nor am I an expert when it comes to relationships, but I know enough to provide struggling couples with suggestions on how to make their marriage work. 

Firstly, you must compromise. Maybe there's something that he wants to do and you don't or vice-versa. You need to figure out the best decision for the two of you. Maybe if you do this then you have to do an activity that he likes in return. Here's the thing though: my husband is the type who will NEVER make me do something I don't want to do. He leaves it up to me. If I want to go with him, I can, if I don't, his feelings won't be hurt. If you're like my husband, then maybe deciding whether or not you'd like to go works for you and your partner. 

Communication is key. Are you terrible at communicating? Well, you'll learn real fast that you cannot be like that in a relationship. You will never get anywhere without talking about the issue at hand. If he hurts my feelings, I find myself always retorting with something even more insulting and regret it as soon as the words leave my mouth. Bottom line is....think before you speak.

Sharing the workload. One of you shouldn't have to do the laundry, dishes or clean all the time. Your partner should be pitching in because you both live there and it's unfair to make it one person's responsibility. 

Honestly, my husband is one of a kind. He's anti-social, yet knows when to be social. He keeps to himself and surrounds himself with just a few friends. He never makes me feel guilty for not wanting to do something. When I start my petty argument routine and try to push him to the limit, that's it. It's hard for us to go about our day and pretend like nothing happened. If I continue to push him over and over again by saying the same thing, his mood and my mood will both go sour. 

But, this is marriage. Or, at least this is my marriage.

It's not always rainbows and butterflies like social media paints it out to be. I won't disclose when I'm fighting or arguing with my husband simply because it's no one's business and I hate being negative, so I keep that information to myself. 

Marriage is hard though. Some days, It's so f***ing hard that I don't want to deal with keeping it afloat. But at the same time, I love my husband and believe him to be worth the pain and agony that goes along with marriage, and that brings me back. 

Some days, I'm selfish and bitchy and he's an asshole. Other days, I'm loving and cuddly and he comes home with flowers. Then, there are days where we both do not care. And, I'm not perfect whatsoever and nor is he. I am the dramatic one and we end up in dumb arguments that could have easily been prevented. But, we're all human and we're constantly learning. 

People say marriage shouldn't be hard if you found the right one, That's bullshit! There will be days you struggle to maintain your relationship and other days where you're smooth sailing. It's just about how badly you want your marriage to work. 

Want to chat about marriage? Send me an email: simplyrealhope@gmail.com!