Talking About My Expectations As A Mother

As soon as I got pregnant, I knew I wanted to raise our child organically! I wanted her to start her first few months out with just breastmilk. I was skeptical about nursing her directly from my boob, so I figured I could just pump and I’d be good to go! Boy were my expectations HIGH!

There’s no way I’m not going to be able to breastfeed because of the size of my boobs, I kept telling my husband over and over again.

But, then, she was born with a lip and tongue tie and my dreams of just breastfeeding were SHATTERED. Not only did I have to resort to formula, I used Similiac, which to me has so many questionable ingredients in it. But, I knew I needed to feed my baby.

In the hospital. everytime she would latch, it was PAINFUL. I mean, she left white dots on my nipples, but I just dealt with the pain because I thought maybe it’s supposed to feel this way. But, I also had a feeling I could be wrong. I was not able to deal with the pain, so unfortunately, I asked for formula.

The next morning in the hospital, tears streamed down my face as I thought of the formula we were giving her. I hate crying in front of anyone, so I turned my head so my husband wouldn’t see. I just felt like an unfit mother who couldn’t feed her baby. Maybe I should have continued even though it was painful. In my heart, I knew I was making the right decision because I could have really damaged my nipples.

The following Monday, we scheduled an appointment to have her tongue tie removed. In the meantime, I was too scared to re-latch her, so we went to the store and bought her organic formula. I knew that if she wasn’t able to drink my milk, she was at least getting something organic. But, that didn’t work out because she seemed to get extra fussy when she was given that formula.

Fuck.

So, we switched back to Similac and I was also pumping, but not much. It was honestly a disaster in the beginning because my expectations were SO HIGH. I was not following my original plan and I was devastated. I was feeling so many different emotions and then, my parents left. I felt defeated and like I was FAILING her.

She’d be whaling and I’d try to comfort her with tears streaming down my face. WTF? I thought this was supposed to be easy, I said to myself.

After meeting with the lactation consultant, she made me feel better by helping re-latch her with a nipple shield. She said she wanted to start off with it and then gradually wean off of it.

But, my supply was STILL NOT up to par and my daughter was so fussy, so again, I had to continue using formula.

I was so frustrated. Every time after she’d eat, it took SO LONG to calm her down. She would squirm and go completely crazy! As a mom, I knew something was wrong. Sure, I’ve never taken care of a baby before, but I also knew it wasn’t normal. She could NOT be that fussy. She’s never been happy either, so I scheduled another appointment.

Acid reflux.

I had a feeling she had it, but I guess the doctor wanted to make sure before putting her on medicine. And, another thing we had to resort to was gas relief drops. After reading that ingredient list, I cringed again, but I also knew that I had to do what’s best for her and this shit hopefully wouldn’t stay in her system forever.

So, now we have her on Zantac for babies.

And, I thought she’d be flawless. I didn’t see ANY of this stuff coming. Here my husband and I are (never taken care of a baby) and we have a complicated child. I have to say that as frustrating as it’s been, we’ve learned so much! And, I would never trade her because I love her! I sit and stare at her in awe of how beautiful she is!

I made her! She grew inside of her and I cannot believe I birthed a 7-pound baby. Holy shit!

I’m proud of myself and how far I’ve come since we took her home from the hospital.

There’s still so much to learn, but I’m getting there day by day. If you;d like to chat about your journey as a new mom or motherhood in general, let’s chat! I’m here for you.

This is the reality after giving birth....

I walked to the bathroom 1 hour after giving birth to pee. Boy did it hurt.

After that, I needed to take a shower while blood poured everywhere. Honestly, it looked like a murder scene. I put one leg and then the other into big white underwear that I needed to wear 2 pads with. Then, there’s the ice pack for your hoo-ha.

I laid in a hospital bed while my husband sat there with the baby because I was in pain after giving birth. But, at the same time, I was SO HAPPY that it’s over and I finally get to hold my baby. I carried her for 9 months. This baby that I carried was finally in my arms and all I could do was to keep kissing her on the head over and over.

Did I connect with her right away?

No, but sometimes, that’s normal. Honestly, I was in a shit ton of pain and was EXHAUSTED, so I guess the reality hadn’t hit me yet that I was a mom.

Giving birth is NO JOKE. I’m not going to sugar-coat it, it’s really hard. Thank goodness for epidurals. If they didn’t exist, I don’t think that people would be giving birth because pushing the child out is CRAZY. For the ladies who have had a natural birth, I commend you because I couldn’t even get past the part where they check to see if you’re dilated without needing one. I won’t go into detail because it’s a personal matter, but all I know is that notion also went out the window after I felt a few contractions.

It seems the epidural wore off and I was left feeling contraction after contraction. Tears rolled down my face as I told my husband, who went and informed the nurse. I was given a higher dosage, but it scared the shit out of me because I was unable to feel my legs. When I was asked to push, the nurse needed to help move my legs. I felt paralyzed. I pushed for 2 hours and 30 minutes.

Holy shit, let me clue you in: you need to concentrate and think about how badly you want to hold your baby. As long as you stay positive and stay focused, you will be DETERMINED to just keep pushing despite PURE EXHAUSTION.

“Push like you’re taking a shit.” That’s all I remember my nurse telling me. Yes, she used those exact words and I complied because I wanted her out and happy and healthy. As I got closer and closer, nurse after nurse after nurse flooded in ready to take their positions.

Then, boom, there she was. She was handed to me and all I remember was wiping her off. They got her to cry, I held her for a moment and then, they took her over to the scale to weigh her and to make sure she was okay.

Did I cry?

No, but I was so happy to hold her and finally kiss her over and over..

Now, when it comes to AFTER giving birth, no one tells you:

  • your baby might have problems latching re: they could have a lip or tongue tie

  • the big underwear you have to put on

  • the amount of bleeding that occurs

  • how much PAIN you’re in just walking around

  • don’t forget to eat!

Add that to the fact that I was trying to bond with my daughter and try to get some sleep. There were also a million thoughts running through my head as I entered this new season of life called motherhood.

Fuck is it hard.

While peeing the first few days, it burns and I didn’t want any water because then I’d have to pee, but at the same time, I had to stay hydrated.

The thoughts never truly go away. Will I be a good mom? I can’t even walk up and down the stairs without pain. I’m so fucking exhausted. Will I ever sleep again? Shit, she’s crying again, what do I do?

But, really, when they say your mom instincts kick in and you LEARN and figure it out, they’re right. You learn how to take care of her, you learn how to lean on other people and ask for help when necessary.

Oh, you’re also at risk for POSTPARTUM, which NO ONE really talks about. You feel sad one minute and then the next you’re happy. It’s the happiest and most confusing time in your life and I just feel like it’s not discussed enough.

So, in retrospect, you have to balance the potential for postpartum, lack of sleep, waking up every few hours to either bottle feed or breastfeed your child, learning how to breastfeed, eating enough, not doing too much physical activity, yet not sitting around like a blob because god forbid you don’t lose the weight immediately. It’s a shit ton of pressure and no one wants to admit it. But, it’s real.

But, this is reality. This is the real stuff no one LIKES to talk about, but the discussion needs to happen. If you’d like to talk more about what really happens after having your baby, let’s chat!